Basement News From Unknown Posers

There is so much action these days!!! The past week has been full of rehearsals, studio work, and networking to prepare for the Canadian Music Week and the South By Southwest Festival… We left Saturday morning under the bright Montreal cold winter sun towards Toronto, excited to be playing on that same night in front of not only important business people but mainly for some YFE bros and sis that we would meet… some for the very first time and others for the third time already. Well…after an hour of driving, our three vans convoy was hit by a snowstorm so bad that we witnessed at least 20 cars and heavy loaded vans in the gutter, sometimes tilted on their rooftop! I have to say I was pretty nervous, as I was Jeff's co pilot. We had to drive at less than 50km/hour as the strong winds were trying to lead us outside the snowy slippery paths…So instead of taking us 5 hours to get there we made it in 8 hours, getting to the finishing line exhausted and just happy to be alive! lol

The show went really well and we just felt very inspired by our friends there…actually so inspired that Alex filled with emotion threw the mic stand at the beginning of the song "little sister"…As an intro to the song he was talking about abuse…saying how we need to open our eyes on that reality…not to hide in silence…not to accept to be "empty jars for dirty minds"… he was really passionate about wanting people to be free from their past and be able to fully grasp their destiny, be themselves to the fullest, to be the main actors of their own lives instead of relying on circumstances or other people to tell us where to go and who we should be… So he threw the mic stand in a passionate move but what Alex didn't realise is that it wasn't a wall right there…but a window! So the mic stand crashed the window in thousand pieces and ended its course in the street two floors below!!! Thank god finally for the snowstorm that kept people away from the sidewalks! lol So nobody got hurt except our bank account that will have to pay for the broken window…

I have to admit that I am in a bit surreal, but soon to be common, context to write this diary… I'm in a plane that’s taking the guys and myself to Austin Texas, where we'll be performing for the South By Southwest Music Festival. Good thing this time there is no snowstorm to stop us or delay the plane…and good thing I am not Jeff's plane co pilot on that one because I would be again very nervous! lol Let me describe you what is happening right now…Alex and Jeff are building strategies to figure how we'll get the maximum impact during our short stay in the uncle Sam country while YB is making them laugh with his incredible scuba diving stories and future YFE TV ideas… Sef just got a gift from the plane attendant for his birthday: a whiskey mini bottle…lol you should see his face's contortion as he took it all in like a cup of chocolate-cho…lol Sef and Whisky "no mixing good" I guess! Then you have Ben relaxing and happy to be secluded somewhere else than in the studio…sorry Ben no mixing board at 10 000 feet altitude! And you have the Moose, sleeping…recovering from an exciting night at the hospital…yeah you got it right…the ambulance took him to spend the night at the hospital as he suffered from a bad liver/pancreas pain…Like we needed that! I guess he had to … Pizza, hotdog, poutine, chocolate, chips… THE MOOSE SHOULD EAT MORE GREEN STUFF INSTEAD…stick to grass and leaf salads bro!l ol and me…enjoying every minute of this trip…looking down on the civilization lights…displayed randomly as on a lightbright game played by a 3 years old…

Wednesday 9pm... Lifehouse music is bathing the office where I usually do my myspace... My friends are typing, answering messages and comments... dedicating so much of their time, energy, love, and even health to take care of YFE communities all over the world... Outside it's cold and the snow has stopped for the night... And I am here, writing this diary thinking of all of you out there, so far but so close at the same time... I'm thinking of how I can make you feel what is happening here, in your YFE family... How I can describe well enough the reality that unites us instead of trying to portrait a dreamed rock star life that would set us apart... I'm trying to get, from the depth of my soul, the essence of what I need to be and to say for you... for you only... I'm a spokesperson for those here who are loving you so bad... the guys in the band of course but also all the others here that you saw in pictures or in some videos... these people that are in charge of taking care of you everyday and of extending the YFE family love to all cultures in all countries... Not so easy to do...

But tonight, once again, I had in front of my eyes the proof that their work, our work, our passion and love to reach out to those out there who need to be encouraged, loved, listened to, believed in and all that through music really had an impact. I was going to an album launch party joining some of the guys. As I arrived I saw these two beautiful Japanese girls who came to visit YFE... And as I was introducing myself... even if they already knew me... lol... I thought how amazing this moment was. I felt very lucky to meet them and so humbled before their courage and passion to travel the whole world to visit their favorite band. I don't even think I would do that personally!lol... Curious, I asked them to explain what motivated them to come here...

"I travel a lot and I couldn't decide where to go this time... Montreal is one of the places I wanted to go... I like music and since Alex was talking to me so nicely on myspace I felt like I wanted to meet the band... I have a lot of bands as friends on myspace but when I write to them they might reply once or twice... but YFE ALWAYS comments back, that's nice... the band is really cool...

At first I thought that the band was answering all these messages only for business, to get more fans... but when I got here, at the Montreal airport and saw they were waiting for us... Really I didn't expect that! My friend and I were so surprised we couldn't speak... so happy! But with YB's camera in our face we were thinking "oh no my hair and my tired face!!!"... lol... Then they were tour guides all day even though they were tired... that is not business...

We were very excited to see YFE, we couldn't sleep on the plane... the band is more amazing than what we expected... I never met people like you guys... you are so nice...

The most amazing thing is your personality... If a band plays good music but they have a bad attitude I don't like them much... but YFE has good music and good personalities so it's perfect! Everyone is kind and the guys are so respectful. I feel very comfortable in the YFE affection... I like it... I can feel the love, I want that to come to Japan! Please export some YFE love to Japan! You have many fans in Japan waiting for you!

I never expected that YFE would comment back every time... it touched my heart very deeply... I got the EP and I saw the band was amazing... I'm happy to know the band... Now, I'm so proud to be here and this is my best experience ever!"

Jeff was driving us back to the studio from downtown Montreal and cradled by the new Thrice album, I was watching the two girls falling asleep... They were exhausted by 16 hours of plane... I told the one next to me to lay her head on my shoulder... I had this tremendous feeling of happiness... I felt like I wanted to take care of them, be there for them, let them feel they could trust my love... I am so imperfect and often I hurt others when I let my fears and selfishness lead me... But here in this car, with my two Japanese sisters sleepily gazing at the snowed up landscape, there was no fear... no selfishness... nothing to prevent me from being myself and I was happy to see what I can be... happy to see and feel all the love I'm able to give and how I can be there for others in simple but magic moments... That made me happy! I often doubted myself... would I ever be able to love properly, would I have the right heart, would I be able to stop being selfish, would I be able to make the right decisions to be there for others, would I one day be proud of me fully... And tonight I saw in the most beautiful almond eyes that I could stop hesitating... and just BE...

My dear friends,
This week's diary is nothing mystic...I will not give you some weird recipe on how to get the perfect sound, the perfect emotion, the musical patterns that will for sure stay stuck in your brain and get you addicted to the point you'll buy not one but two albums...lol Anyway It's not really the way we talk here in this family right? We talk from our hearts, we talk a different language that may sound weird at first but if you've been reading Alex's blogs and my diaries for a while you can recognize every time the effort we make to be true, to be honest and to dig down deep...hoping to be able to extirpate, somehow, the essence of what composes each one of us...

The spirit of creation...
We create songs, we create lyrics, we create atmospheres and concepts but what is behind all that? How is it all crafted besides taking a guitar and press "record"? Is the birth of a song the result of luck? The sum of mathematical hit charts equations? Or some substance of hallucinating product? Maybe for some people... Maybe it has been for us too sometimes in the past...(well except the drug thing..since we are probably the most boring band in that aspect..lol no drugs...no alcohol...no coffee...uh..ok maybe coffee...lots of coffee and energy drinks...but that's it I promise...lol) I asked Ben how the spirit of creation was operating on him:

"The music comes from what I've been through, from my guts. It comes from real deep feelings inside and I need to let it out. I cannot predict what will come out... hurts, fears or anxiety... and by doing that, music heals me...music has always been there for me because as I would listen to an artist and hear that they were living through the same thing I was, it made me feel less alone...So that is what I want to do: let what I live breathe through my music...even if it's doubt or pain... I want the people who will listen to my music to realize they are not alone to go through hard times... I do too...but the hope resides in the fact that we are not alone... I will dig down deep inside of me to let my hurts rise to the surface, to let them shine in music hoping that someone somewhere will be touched and healed."

The gift of turning silence...
Being in front of your instrument and nothing comes out... "It's the biggest frustration ever!" says Ben. For talented guys like in YFE, it's easy to just spit on a piece of paper an easy catchy music pattern...but that is not what we want... we want something more... so how can we get more? We want these songs to break the silence... To break realms in the invisible...to break these walls that are keeping us away from being free and to feel alive... You won't believe it but for the longest time I had very little interest in listening to music and getting to discover artists. Hard to believe for a singer right? Well I was so blocked from my own heart, I had so many barricades to protect me that I had very little true feelings...I couldn't really understand the essence of music...I didn't need it since I didn't want to really "live" anything...sad isn't it? In the past few years I went through hard times and decided I would open up and share and slowly trust people around me to help me and trust in their love, dropped a few barricades, connected with my heart and then ...I discovered music... the real music that can transport you and talk to you...the real music that talks to your soul and impacts it. This is the type of music we want to do, but in order to do it we first need to dig down and let our soul come out... otherwise, it's silence... "When nothing comes out or when there's nothing good it's because I am not ready to let anything out, I'm all trapped inside… at this point, when I am still going through hard times and instead of keeping it all inside I want to use music to liberate me, let the truth of what I live come out... but I am so afraid to share what I am, what is living deep inside of me and expose my guts to the world...let people witness the deepest caves of my soul...so when that fear overcomes me, the silence reigns..."-Ben

Into whispers...
So here we are digging down deep inside of us...rejecting fears...fighting for the unity of our hearts...humbled by our wounds...Here we are doubtful...our only certitude is that we have bros and sis that deserve the best of us, deserve songs that will break the silence...And what if we needed that whisper so desperately ourselves first? "We are not any different than anyone else, same problems, same fears, same blind spots... That is why we need to be the first ones to be transformed by our own music...when we build a song we know right away if it's a sterile song, after an hour of work we might realize it's going nowhere, doesn't reflect what we live here...so we erase everything and start again"-Matt

So here we are in the quest for a whisper…not just a mumble, not just lip movement...

A whisper...a sound and a breath...a sound of truth and a breath of life... A sound and a movement...First in our life, then moving to yours...United through music.

I love you guys dearly and you can't even imagine how important you are in this creative season for us...

My dear friends...

I wish I could all mention your name, one by one, just to make you feel I'm talking to you only...making you feel how special you are in our heart here in the YFE family.

One week after another, the craziness never ends; the business flows, one meeting after another...sponsors, partners, video producers, radio promoters, bookers, publicists, record labels...the MySpace love spreads...one message at a time, one access to your amazing heart at a time...the recording sessions...one riff after another, trying to find magic in every tempo, melody, ambiance... the plans are established, shows, contests, photo shoots... And in the middle of this tornado of good news and exciting projects are humans...

It seems like time is running and we are in a never ending marathon finding ways to fulfill our destiny...We have a vision... We take actions...We give our all in each of our talent and personality... It's really amazing... but so fragile...it's fragile because individually we are fragile...human right?...If one morning I decide to be selfish and that nothing is more important than my little belly button and ALL that is bothering me (because anyway when we concentrate on ourself it's rarely to ruminate positive stuff right?)...well then the whole vision and compassion and action goes to hell! If one morning "I" decide that "I" am the only master of "my" life, "my" stuff and that "I" don't care about anyone...what kind of impact can I expect...None you think? On the contrary, unfortunately... when I decide to be selfish and not to take the role I have in this family, my role in my individual and collective destiny, "I" literally handicap others..."I" create an empty spot that someone else has to fill on top of his own stuff... "I" compromise victories... "I" hurt people that needed me... Why would I do such a thing as being egocentric? Why would I spit on the investment others made in me, believing in me, trying to love me as I try to escape? Why would I underestimate the power of being part of a whole... Why? there will never be a valid reason to do that... and it disgusts me to see I would do it anyway...

To be a part of such a family as the YFE family is a real privilege... we realize it as we talk to people who are left alone, who are so desperate to belong to something positive, to participate in a family that really cares and wants the best for its people... In my "blood" family I learned to be isolated, suspicious, I learned not to trust anyone even those who were supposed to take care of me, I learned that pain had to be avoided at any price, I learned that being open was the best way to be hurt and again that pain had to be avoided at any price, I learned to show only the good sides and to keep in shame the bad ones, I learned to escape as soon as things got out of my control, I learned that control was the best way to avoid pain and again what? it had to be avoided at ANY price... THAT was the family I was knitted in... And all that became me, became my definition, became my identity...And then... just like you...I fell into the YFE family...what a shock! All my conceptions were confronted with a new reality...What if all I learned was not the only way to live...what if I could have a higher purpose than just surviving...What if "I" was nothing without a "WE"? I do want to get out of all these patterns, all these lies that are keeping me away from my real self, the real person I can be: free, loving, giving, honoring, supporting...
And every fiber of my soul wants the opposite! I have to fight against my own flesh to get out of what I've always considered to be me... And every corner of my heart wants to explode pressured by fear... And my head wants to shut off with misunderstanding and losing the mirage of control... I'm not crazy...I'm an ugly caterpillar destined to fly...

Living within a loving and caring family has shown me many things but so many times I still have a hard time getting it...I still don't grasp the whole meaning of love...still struggle to accept pain as being a part of true love...still don't open fully in trust...still trying to control even if...really... what can we control in this life? which pair of socks you put on in the morning!lol (Alex said that one day and got stuck in my mind)... But by being with my YFE bros and sis I KNOW that I am privileged with an extraordinary strength! I KNOW that even if I have to fight my old patterns, not only my new family is supporting me but it will bring the best out of me... Together we can achieve anything...I'm not alone anymore, you are not alone anymore... What is the fine line between "I" and "US"?... it's all a question of heart, it's for me to be disgusted enough to turn around completely and BE different, it's to give my life for those I've hurt so much and who were waiting for so long to finally connect with the real me, it's to actively reject selfishness in my life... Selfishness kills...Unity creates...I'm so sorry I killed...my hands are still holding guns and powder is still floating in the air...Looking at the wounds I caused I stare and am desperate to know what I can do to be forgiven...What I can do to be a healing factor...
I guess I first have to drop the guns...
Clean my hands...
Let the powder fall...
And learn to care...

My friends...I know we're more or less all the same...fearful, rejected, mislead, self centered, but let me tell you that with every message you send me, every piece of your heart you share with me, every little victory you proudly declare...you remind me why I want to fly...you remind me the bitter taste of selfishness, you encourage me to fully participate in the family that has so much more power than my little self...you push me to be greater, to be real, to be strong for others... you push me to BE... Really, it's the way I see it now: I AM because WE are... without my people here...without you...I wouldn't BE...

My dear YFE sisters and brothers,

It's the Holiday season and when I look around I'm not sure I relate with what I see. Christmas is sold to me as the magical moment of the year when friendship culminates into a beautiful communion, when lovers just can't get enough of each other and when families are in total harmony, celebrating a whole year of support and joy... MAN! Am I the only one that doesn't fit with this portrait? For so many people, Christmas is just another mirror reflecting a reality you don't want to admit: your family is broken...your couple doesn't fill the everlasting affective black hole... your friends could give up on you anytime...and so often this year you got deceived and disappointed by someone real close to you : yourself... "Joy to the world!"... But once the wrappings are in garbage bags and once the alcohol has become an aftertaste, is there any joy left? What if joy didn't reside in the party? What if you didn't have to create happiness with a recipe including many measures of alcohol, a sprinkle of drugs, an ounce of cheap romance and reserving plenty of old shadows in dark closets?

What if joy could REALLY abide in you? This year it's different for me... For the first time I don't force myself to go to reunions where I don't feel good... I don't even get into the shopping craziness trying to get the perfect useless present proving I don't know what for someone who really doesn't care all that much while tons of stressed and unhappy people step on my heels to get the last gadget on the shelf... You know what? I don't miss it!lol This Christmas will be different for me because the past year has been different. I made decisions this year... I decided to stop patterns in my life, patterns of being a victim, patterns of trying to please everyone not to have to deal with confrontation, patterns of trusting no one not to be hurt, patterns of trying to control everything... Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting all these and more as I open my eyes more everyday... But by walking this freedom path I can now be real and true to myself and I can hope to live something different this Christmas time and, most importantly, in my life in general.

I am lucky, I know...I have amazing band mates and friends that are also fighting their own demons in order to be better friends and to love better... So this year, holiday season will be just another occasion to be together and to love each other. For the Holidays, we'll think of you by creating meals representing countries from all over the world, we'll take some risks by having Sef cook a turkey...lol...We'll take some time to have fun and rest...lol...ok maybe not rest...lol we'll remind ourselves of the year 2007 with great pride and so many touching memories...memories of you...your messages...your hearts...your pain...your passion...your face...your love...

If only you could realize you are a star, able to shine, able to rise, able to change darkness into a bright sky... if only you could realize you are not a lonely star... we are with you... Wherever you are during these holidays please know that we are carrying you in our hearts, you are not alone... But make yourself a gift this holiday season: give yourself the chance to change things in your own life, make a decision not to let yourself be the same for one more year, take a stand for your dreams, for your friends, for your future, believe that you are worth the love and the respect YFE gives you and more! Joy starts from the inside... and shines on the outside!

This year I don't wish you happiness...I encourage you to make a decision: chose life over fear, depression, addiction, self depreciation, mutilation... you don't know what life is and what love is all about? Let us try to love you...just like Your Favorite Enemies knows how to love and care...lol I love you.

First I love you and I am honored you are with me again this week for this diary. Not sure how exactly this one will develop as I'm writing on a real controversial subject but I guess I'll just again try to pour my heart to you and believe you know I am not judging anyone and that my desire is that every single person would be walking in freedom.

It's Alex that brought to my attention a certain ad on Myspace: "Make Yourself Amazing: Breast Enlargement"... I didn't know what to think... then I saw some of their publicity quotes: "It's the best thing I ever did!"..."My friends love the new me"..."I would recommend it to anyone"...I felt angry. I am angry because I know who's going to look at this advertisement and be impacted by it... It's not stupid easy weak girls or ugly women who are going to whine and start dreaming about wining the lottery to pay this surgery, but great girls and women that all of a sudden realize that they don't supposedly have what it takes to be pretty, sexy, wanted, desired, respected...loved...It's also great boys and men that are building their vision of the woman... Damn! YFE fights everyday to get people to understand and realize their worth , that they deserve respect, that they have within themselves great things to offer, that they don't have to be something else to be loved, that they can change their own world, that they can impact others... and then you have a cosmetic company telling you: "Having the surgery really made my university life a great experience. My confidence grew and I had the courage to get involved in a lot more activities which helped me make some great friends!"... Can I explode???? They are playing on self-confidence and self-esteem to sell... So if you want success in your studies, in your relationships you need new boobs? Let's bring in some reality check: Would you say that it's not a big deal to have a surgery as long as you felt better after and it helps you get what you want? Then you find it normal that in China women and some men are paying thousands of dollars to have a brutal surgical procedure performed that lengthens their legs so they can fulfill height requirements often used to narrow down the number of job applicants? So who decides what is beauty, who decides that you don't have what it takes, who decides you are designed to be sad and unhappy all your life??? Damn! I won't let anyone suggest anything like that to you!

These companies don't care about your feelings, your psychological health, your relationships, your well-being...NOTHING! They only care about their own "Banking Enlargement"... Again I don't judge those who had the surgery and I really hope you are doing great, that you are happy...What I can't stand is that our society allows money makers to set beauty unrealistic standards and to play with our feelings and our self-esteem... Is my worth directly linked with my cup size? Am I going to be loved more if I show them off? Is my only asset being sexy? I am sad...I am so sad to realize some women believe these lies... mostly teenagers... Listen to me now! You girls have so many treasures to develop: your personality, your character, your talents, your dreams, your relationships... Would a small breast or any physical aspect you don't like keep you from doing that? NO! Stop putting all your efforts to fit with the image displayed in magazines (or just being depressed because you feel you'll never get there) and put these efforts to build yourself, to achieve things that are important to you, to invest in relationships that bring you to the next level... Your body is a part of you and you should take care of it, have healthy habits and get to a point where you can be proud of yourself...but let me tell you that when you decide that your worth resides in more than your boobs, your butt or in how guys look at you... you then can be yourself, you then can stop fearing and go further. YOU ARE WORTH WAY more than that!!! As a woman you have such a worth, you have a great sensitivity that you can use to care about others, you have a protective sense that you can use to shelter others and help others be better persons, you have a creativity that can be applied in so many fields, you have a strength that can make you move mountains and support others as well... Don't you think these things deserve more your attention than bigger boobs?

Now gentlemen... that concerns you just as much! If you want to live in a fantasy and see women around collapse in depression running after an unreal image you can just go with the flow...But if you want women to flourish around you, if you want to make your girl friend, companion, wife or daughter understand they are worth it you need to go counter currant! Guys, offer your respect to women around you, see them as they are: life partners that can bring you ideas, support, encouragement, strength, love... If women are more self-confident and if they are becoming what they are meant to be, then you guy's life will be enhanced because there is nothing better than loving, happy smiling, laughing, proactive women in your surrounding.

Again we do need each others in order to grow and become fully ourselves. I am here to remind you your worth...remind you that we love you the way you are and we just want you to be free, to be the main actor of your life and stand strong against society's lies. Together we can stand and build each others self-confidence and esteem. I love you... you are precious!

Again today I get to speak to you through my humble words, through the flow of my thoughts… I feel honoured and privileged to be in this position where you let me be in your life, where you let me touch you, impact you, love you… I know the cost you pay to open up and to let someone seed things in your heart and soul, someone challenge you to see things differently, to take action and believe that you can yourself be different… We always hear that nobody can change, that you are the way you are and that is the end of the story. Well what happens when what you see of yourself is not great? What happens when people around you are hurt by your behaviour? What happens when you don't even understand yourself, why you are that way and you wish so badly that you could be nice like others around you?... Nobody can change you? Can you change yourself?

It took me forever to realize that I might be wrong and that I was hurting others as I was trying to protect myself from anything that could affect me. It took forever for me to admit I was responsible for bad things happening to me, for broken relationships, for my loneliness, for my broken hope… And then it took me another eternity
to let others help me, accompany me on the path of freedom, trusting that they might see things I don't…Gosh! That is hard… Let me tell you pride can kill relationships. When I am scared I can be the worst person in the whole world!!! Most of the time (if not always) what scares me is unreal, it is the fruit of my imagination, my fear of being rejected, my fear of being hurt, my fear of being the loser in the story… It may start with a small real event and then my imagination and feelings get it distorted, exaggerated and if I keep it to myself long enough the whole catastrophe becomes so real in my head, in my feelings that there is no way I can see things with perspective. That is the reason why I need people around me and to trust them so much that as soon as some event comes to shake me and start fearing I can open up and share so my friends can give me their perspective, so they can bring back what is reality and love me to secure me.

This week we had the chance to welcome another Japanese friend: Yuki. He is here to visit us because he was going through very difficult times in his country, he had a hard time finding the right people to open up to and who would accept him as he is. To me it's crazy to fly 16 hours, alone, to a country where you can barely speak the language, to end up living with total strangers… especially rockers! Lol But as I see that young man after only a couple of days being more and more
comfortable, laughing, sharing, crying, participating in the community life, I think that Yuki decided to trust… Yuki decided that our love was worth of trust and that he would literally put his life into our hands… Yuki decided that he would believe that his life could be different and that he could change…Yuki decided that Canadian rockers could have an impact in his life and that he could from that experience be transformed… Yuki decided that depression was not the final answer… Yuki decided that from the love he would receive he would also give and be loving and cheerful… I think that Yuki will be transformed… I think that through Yuki we will be transformed as well… Because we all can change! I don't want to stay the same even if it burns to be transformed…like gold being purified through fire…heat is on? That is fine… We're not alone in the flames.

I want you guys to be encouraged as I am encouraged just by being in contact with someone like Yuki that is so proactive to make things different! I love you and I truly believe you're worth it! What do you believe?

Aren't you fed up of just thinking and rethinking about what happened yesterday, last year, your childhood and take these as excuses to stagnate, paralyze in a thick mud of self pity or self destruction, blinded on the beautiful gift and talent you have? Aren't you tired to drag this heavy burden of trying to be perfect and to make it all happen on your own with the pride of doing it all alone? So you don't need anyone right? but who's gonna share your victory? What is worst...Crying with someone because you failed or winning and not having anyone to celebrate with?

You might say "I've never found real and nice people to share and be true with"... I believe you... They are hard to find because it involves suffering to be real and true, it requires humility and generosity to take the time to welcome someone without judging, without imposing our own vision... it goes against our selfish nature to love without expecting some kind of return on our investment... That is why in our YFE family we treasure the relationships so bad! We found in each other an open heart that is encouraging us to BE that refuge for someone else... someone once said that there is nothing better than giving our life for our friends...giving your life... What a crazy thing to figure! Then I look at what is going on here... I see this week that Alex is still sick... but knitting in his head the plan for the whole year ahead of us, the album, the videos, the tour, the promotion, the fans, the crew, the studio... I rarely see him taking time to relax or rest... He would never accept for something to go only half well... he is pushing so that all departments can run smoothly and effectively... Alex is constantly thinking of the next step, always a step ahead to be able to avoid hurts, predicting the challenges and making sure everyone is ready in order to succeed... In the end the only thing that matters for Alex is that the whole family enters in its destiny with each individual it his place.

Today is the very last show of our first European tour and I really don't want it to finish… I don't know… it's like I lived a dream and I just want to get back to sleep to know the beautiful end of it… At the same time it's obvious that this dream has no end as long as we're all together, the YFE family around the world, sharing, being open to each other, having fun, being crazy, encouraging each others. Face to face or behind a screen doesn't really matter ! I think that is one wonderful thing I realized. Don't think that because you're only sharing through a computer doesn't have an impact or build real things… When we are real with each others, sharing real things, being ourselves describing with our typed words what we are really going through, the relationships are slowly and beautifully birthing. You know what that means, don't be sad if you don't get to meet your online friends as soon as you would like, keep on investing your heart and passion with the people that deserve your trust. It was a chance for me to meet some of my online friends and I will never forget the moments we spent together. Although I will miss them, I don't feel sad because I know we are still together, still linked with the same love and that our hearts are linked forever.

This past week has been wonderful but also full of challenges! As you know, the guys have been sick, coughing their lungs out in the tour bus as well as on stage ! Sef lost is virile voice!lol I feel lucky I haven't been sick yet living in this viral atmosphere… The other good news is that I didn't have to cook for the rest of the trip!lol So no explosion, no fire, no liver crisis… We have been welcomed in such a great manner in all the venues we went! I got to taste real German sausages and real FRENCH fries!lol It was such a great learning experience for us all… we tend to forget that we are still a "baby band"… that means that a lot of that touring stuff is new for us and also the fact that we are all doing it by ourselves with no outside help what so ever is giving us a great challenge but you can believe that the next tour we'll be more than ready!

I think everyone in the crew and the band took such a step in all that we are meant to do and to be…Matt for example…I am so proud of him! He had to work with many different sound systems and had to work hard to give to our friends the best sound for them to enjoy the show. You have to know that depending on the shape of the room it sounds different…square or rectangle makes a difference…concrete walls or wood or any other material will affect the way Matt has to work on the mixing board…weird eh? He did such a great job… and he was not only doing that, but was also our tour manager, taking on him the responsibility of organizing the schedule, the load in and out (that is when you get the equipment in and out the venues), the sound checks, making sure we have food to eat and get a shower every once in a while (thank you!!!!), he is also making sure we have everybody on board after we stop at a gas station (you should see him counting our sweet little 15 heads like in kindergarten…lol). Hope he didn't think we were too hard to manage!lol

I am so proud of everyone… and the other thing I am so happy about is to know that all of you guys were behind us 100%, encouraging us, praying for us…that made such a difference! Because where ever we are, we are not forgetting where we're from…we're from a land called Hopeful Tragedy…a place where wounds are uncovered by shame so they can be healed surrounded by true love, a land of compassion and action, a place where no one is left behind, a safe refuge where you won't be rejected… you went through that already too often right? I did as well…my previous land wasn't accepting me as I am, wasn't believing in what I would become and wouldn't be proud of what I'd do… Just like you, I found in the YFE family my new country…my people…my destiny… I want to fight for this family…for this legacy…for this refuge that will welcome so many lost souls like me…like you… I want to fight for you… you want to be a warrior too? I love you my bros and sis…

It is really weird for me to write this diary from so far away!!! I am right now in Camden London UK in the back of the tour bus, I have Ben right by my side fixing some stuff for the laptop sequences while Kanu is cleaning the guitars because the guys sweat like little pigglets yesterday in Manchester!lol (you have to know that when there is sweat on the guitars and especially on the strings it damages them...don't worry I had to ask the question myself). Then you have Sef, Jeff, Miriam and Izabelle (the reporter) that are making some videos, Marjo is setting everything up for the media and pretty much setting our whole life schedule, Alex and Steph are at a Starbuck Coffee working the on internet business, Maria is helping out with all the little details so important to survive in a tour bus and finally there is Charles and I that will soon leave to do some promo with our amazing friends from the UK that we waited for so long to hug and love face to face... Oh... Bob our manager just arrived!

I have to tell you that this tour has been up to now just incredible... I mean the whole travelling went perfectly, then I saw that tour bus so cool with old fake green leather seats and fake wood all over and so small for the big YFE family...lol You know how we are... we start as a 6 piece band and we end up travelling 15!lol I knew right away it would be very tight, close, warm and stinky love!lol Apparently when we arrived at the airport, there was a tornado...lololl Why am I NOT surprised?lol
And then sleeping, eating, peeing in the tour bus is just so special, it's like camping in a clothes dryer!lol Ok... I have to tell you my little funny stories... before someone else does and say it all wrong making me look like a goof!lol

Ok... first I was so happy I got one of those little travelling mixer that are so incredible to do shakes and soups and all kinds of yummy stuff... Well the very first night I wanted to impress everyone by making my incredible carrot soup recipe, so I microwaved the broth with the veggies and put the whole thing in the mixer... next thing you know... POW! the whole thing litterally exploded and painted the whole bus with carrot soup and burned my face!lol... ok... it took me a few minutes before I could laugh at myself...I was in pain for goodness sake! Thank God I had my little angel Miriam helping out to clean the whole mess I made... And if you are wondering : YES the soup was good! There was no way I wouldn't eat the soup that burnt my face...I had to win over the soup and keep my pride!

Second story...about food again...gosh...I'm really a girl...or just a little pigglet like my band mates...lol So the next day I decide that my reputation as a good cook and as the good girl taking care of her band mates had to be proven after the tchernobill experience. So I cooked some delicous meatballs in the tour bus microwave, simple and delicious... well... Maybe I should have known that this microwave was not made for heating more than 2 minutes at the time...I made the whole electric system go down!lol The driver was a LITTLE mad at me... but I escaped from him for the rest of the day and he didn't mention anything after... OUPS! sorry...

Now I don't feel like cooking too much...I guess I'll concentrate on singing and being there with the people It's just so amazing... someone asked me what was the best thing that happened to me so far... I would easily say EVERYTHING but if I have to chose something I would say that the freedom I live is the best thing... I feel free on stage doing what I've been designed to do, free when I talk to the people before and after the shows, my friends, strangers, my YFE family and free to hug, love, share, give... Free when I'm on the bus looking at the amazing brothers and sisters I have on the crew, so crowded, so intimate, so loving, so intense, so true and beautiful... Free when I'm in my bunk bed thinking of the blessings I have to live this life, such a weird, intense, unpredictable and awesome life... Free to feel the love and the pain... Gosh I worked so hard to accept that freedom... And now I am starting to taste it...Finally..."Beautifully falling apart"... Who said that falling apart was wrong if you can be rebuilt and then become what you really are supposed to be?
Thank you for being behind us during this new season... We feel your love and support and we DO NEED it!

I love you...
So much...
Miss Isabel